Listening to arguments about "who's first" or "who has the most" is one of the most stressful parts of parenting. To us, these arguments so often seem trivial - it's your turn in 30 seconds!
But young children don't see things the same way. Depending on the age of the child, the desire to win, to be the best or to be first is motivated by different considerations.
First, a little theory...
Competition reflects the desire to surpass oneself, to progress and to develop. It measures this progress by comparing and confronting oneself with one's peers. By observing models around him, the child learns what he can accomplish and often seeks to imitate his parents or older siblings, with the ambition of equaling them, or even surpassing them.
Competition involves two dimensions: the other (seeking to rival or surpass an opponent) and oneself (aiming to surpass one's own limits). It remains healthy when competitors are of similar caliber, with comparable abilities, making victory all the more satisfying when our strengths, knowledge and creativity have been fully utilized.
In toddlers
In toddlers, competition often revolves around activities that require patience. They want to be the first to...
- have one's turn,
- put on your shoes,
- to be served a snack,
- etc.
For toddlers, learning to wait their turn is a learned skill…and it can be a major challenge for some children.
They are naturally self-centered, which is developmentally appropriate at this age. They cannot yet consider other people's points of view, and they do not always control their impulses.
When you notice this behavior, start by observing it:
If others don't seem bothered by the one who puts himself forward, observe if this behavior repeats itself, gently correcting it if it happens regularly.
This type of scenario usually resolves itself by the preschool years… that is, when other children tell them to wait their turn. As children get older, they develop a better sense of what is fair and what is not, so they can exercise their own judgment.
If the other children seem disturbed , continue to observe and give them time (and opportunity!) to resolve their problem themselves. If the child does not understand his classmates, I will tell him that he must change places in the queue.
It may seem surprising at this age, but even if they have not developed all their verbal skills, children are able to express their dissatisfaction to their peers.
Kindergarten years
The kindergarten years are typically when children are introduced to games with "winners" and "losers." This concept introduces competitive behaviors such as always wanting to win, cheating, or reacting badly to defeat.
The reality is undeniable: winning feels (very) good.
Winning offers children instant gratification, which is very appealing to most of them.
As adults, we need to acknowledge our role in creating the appeal of “winning” – it’s our natural instinct to celebrate winners, we get so excited when a child wins. We can say things like “ You were the BEST player on the field! ” or “ You were so much faster than everyone else, I’m so proud of you! ”
These phrases, however kind and encouraging, can get kids hooked on winning. This kind of attention from you is very rewarding.
The Montessori approach to praise also works in competitive scenarios, that is, focusing on the effort rather than the outcome:
- “You have completed the game!”
- “You were running so fast!”
If you're playing with a child who brags about winning (and you brag about losing), try to remain neutral in your response, such as, "That's okay. I like playing with you."
As we said before, kids are little scientists and their reactions to winning may be because they feel good (and want to feel that way again and again), but they may also be testing your reaction - which is normal . A neutral and balanced response will help them in this process.
Socialization can also help
Most often, social situations among peers will help children learn how to respond to winning and losing.
If a child brags or teases losers, his peers may stop playing with him or express their displeasure – a natural consequence.
What about the opposite?
Some parents are more concerned about their "shy kid," who seems upset but doesn't respond when peers interfere or tease them for losing. Parents may worry that the child will become a "punching bag."
Also observe these children and look for opportunities to help them gain the confidence to express and assert themselves. The simple phrase , “Stop! I don’t like that,” helps toddlers express their boundaries to their peers.
Just know that competitive behavior is a normal developmental phenomenon and, with your support and guidance in the right direction, it will likely improve as you grow older.